The Bat in the Hat
by RebootHipster
Summary: Batman's new foe has a thing for rhyme schemes and ridiculous names... Kung Fury style parody of pretty much every Batman ever
One criminal gang met another in an old abandoned warehouse in Gotham City.

"Do you have the drugs? What kind?" asked one gang's leader.

"Yeah, all of them. Do you have the guns?" replied the other gang's leader.

"Hell yeah. By the way, the cops suck."

"Amen to that, homie bro. Let's make the trade."

The criminals began to swap guns for drugs, when suddenly the Batmobile burst through the wall. In response, the gang with guns started shooting, and the gang with drugs started getting high.

Batman emerged from his car, and grabbing a nearby criminal whispered broodily, "You kill people and use guns— you disgust me."

Batman then pressed a button which caused the Batmobile to shoot everyone to the ground with loud machine guns.

"Now tell me," he whisper/yelled, "where are they?"

"I don't know man!" the criminal whimpered.

Batman held up his fist.  
"OK I'll tell you! They're at the old abandoned toxic chemical and ice cream cone factory!"

"That's the thing about you crooks," said Batman, before punching the crook in the back, "you've got no backbone… good one, Batman."

 **Meanwhile, at the old abandoned toxic chemical and ice cream cone factory…**

"I say, we freeze all of Gotham and hold it hostage for a zillion dollars!" Mr Freeze offered to the council of villains.

"I say, we take over the gangs again!" offered up the Red Hood.

"Why don't we go rob some people?" asked Catwoman.

"Let's cause a massive mutation in all of the plant life in the city!" said Poison Ivy.

"Let's come up with elaborate schemes that ultimately fail to kill Batman publicly whilst simultaneously holding the city hostage using oversized props and corny one-liners in strangely specific and thematic settings with the aid of hired goons and sexy sidekicks, which will teach the people of Gotham a valuable lesson about sharing, community, true love, and the real meaning of christmas!" suggested the Joker, and all cheered in agreement.

"No fair," whined Clayface, the shapeshifting goo-heap, "the vote always goes to the guys in colored suits with funky hats and sexy sidekicks that make themed puns. They're all crazily obsessed with some oddly specific theme, and have some sort of toxic mind-altering gas, every last one of them. The Riddler, the Joker, the Penguin, the Mad Hatter, even Sweet Tooth that one time… and they all hang out at abandoned circuses and amusement parks and build machines which are supposed to take over the world but never work… I wish I could be an important villain for once…"

"Shut up Clayface," snapped Harley Quinn, "there aint no way Mistah Jay's plan will fail this time. There'll be no Batman when—"

Suddenly, the Batwing swooped in overhead, and Batman dropped down through the broken roof.

"Sorry to drop in like this," said Batman, "but I've got some breaking news for you."

 **Later that night, by the Bat-Signal…**

"So then I took out all the bad guys at once, like a badass. You could say, like a Bat-ass. Get it? It's because I'm Batman." said Batman.

Jim Gordon pushed up his glasses and sipped his coffee.

"The city can't thank you enough Batman," said Gordon, "The villains will all go back to Arkham Asylum where they belong. This time, we'll be sure to tape the cells twice, so they stay shut."

"Better yet," Batman suggested, "use Super-Glue."

He then reached into his utility belt, and procured a tube of "Bat-Glue" (or so it said in magic marker on the label he had placed on the glue container) and tossed it to Gordon.

"Goddamit," the commissioner huffed through his bushy mustache, "this is why you're the best of us." When he looked back up however, Batman was gone.

"Good luck, hero," he whispered to the night air, a lone tear appearing beside his eye, "I… I love you."

 **Later, in another part of town…**

All the important criminals convened in an old abandoned Q-tip and meat cleaver factory.

"What do we do now?" one asked.

"We don't have a leader anymore!" cried another.

"It's all that Batman's fault!" shouted a third.

Suddenly, all the criminals heard a bump, and the bump made them jump. Then they looked, and they saw him step in on the mat. They looked and they saw him, tip his tall hat!

He wore a bright pink thneed with a yellow star on the belly, and a few loose button on top. His hands were clad in three fingered mittens (the middle three fingers are in one finger, the thumb and the pinky each got their own), and he held a crooked blue umbrella in one hand. His feet were pointed and he wore long brown sock-like shoes that crumpled and slumped as they continued from his toes. He wore a tailed suit jacket which was light green, but with dark green scribbles all over it, and a striped stemmed pink clover on his lapel. He wore a red four-pronged tie around his neck (identical to the one worn by the Cat in the Hat) and a tall red and white striped hat that slumped atop his wafting light blue hair. His face was covered with green fuzz that stuck out in every which way, and he wore glasses whose ends stuck out on either end from his face and that made his pupils look like the letter "U". He had no upper lip, but his face pointed to a rounded nose, much like one of Doctor Seuss's many creations.

"My dear fellows," said he,

"I mean you no harm.

I bring with me no weapons

so lay down your arms.

My name is Ned McO'Mally McGurk McO'Goo,

I'm the latest new villain in town

and I'm telling you,

that I am the man

yes I am the chap

who'll crush the Bat in my Hat

and dump him right in your lap!

You'll thank me

with wondrous and thunderous applause

for this I charge no fee,

it's a marvelous cause!

I ask only your loyalty,

your men and your guns

and I'll have the cops running

with tails between buns

we'll run this whole town

and have lots of great funs!"

All the criminals looked at one another, confused. Then one of them stood up.

"And why should we listen to you? I don't take you seriously!"

Then Ned McO'Goo laughed and said,

"My dear boy

of course you are bound to have doubts

a good healthy skeptic

we can't live without

but behold, as I prove myself

and offer to you

a demonstration of power

showing just what I do

as I introduce

Thing One and Thing Two!"

Then, from behind him, two pale skinned female acrobats with bright blue hair in pigtails wearing tight skimpy red outfits, each displaying a white circle with their name on it, roller skated around the protesting criminal with kites, strangling him where he stood.

Ned laughed. Another criminal stood up.

"Through yet another murder, the new leader has been decided, I do declare!" he declared.

"That's wonderful, oh so wonderful news

and now we wage war, which Batman shall lose!

And we've got an advantage, one which we'll use

if you'll all follow the orders, of you know whose!"


End file.
